By Caroline Clemmons
My mom was ac wonderful
mother who kept her family foremost in her mind and heart. But, as much as I
loved her, I know she wasn’t perfect. Who is?
Many of her sentences opened
with the same phrase—if only. My father used to tease her with, “Mae, if it was
raining money, you’d complain about the small change.” She usually responded
with an annoyed huff. This phrase is part of our family memories that we recall
with humor.
Lately though, I’ve caught
myself saying “If only….” about things I wish I’d done. If only I’d told my Dad
how much I admired him. If only I’d told that Virginia what a rat she was. If
only I’d done more to help my mom. If only I’d saved more money. Sigh. I have
hundreds of “if onlys” clogging my mind.
Probably the recent passing
of my dear husband launched me on this train of thought that has me examining the past. I know it’s not
productive. More than likely it’s not healthy.
Our minister gave a
memorable sermon titled “Nostalgia” in which he addressed the healthy and
unhealthy ways of examining the past. His sermon stepped on my toes, but it’s still my favorite
of his always meaningful sermons. For one thing, the past can’t be changed. Don’t
look back longingly, wishing you could return to another time. Instead, honor
the past while making the most of today.
If only I can do that.
I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Sending you my condolences. I can relate to your "if only". Every Saturday, I called my mother. Then, one Saturday that was hectic at our house, I missed making the call. She had a stroke the beginning of that week and died. My lack of not making my usual Saturday call still bothers me at intervals even when I recall good thoughts and experiences we shared. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI remember reading a story a million years ago about two kids, one of whom always said "I wish I had" and the other one who said "I'm glad I have." I don't remember the story itself, but those have stuck with me. Not that I don't have regrets like Judy's, but they are tempered by the glad-for-its. Blessings, Caroline. It's good to see you here.
ReplyDeleteI just finished reading your post. I can identify with many parts of it.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad about your husband. In a few weeks it will be one year since my mother passed away, and I still don't remember the last thing I said to her.
QUOTE: "train of thought that has me examining the past" - For me, that feels as if I'm falling into a bottomless pit. I'll end up second guessing countless decisions I've made throughout my life. Or I'll end up thinking I could make things better if I were able to go back in time. I think I would only make things far worse, not fix them.
Just for the record, I'm a man, and I am not religious. I hope it was ok for me to post my comment.